Wednesday, October 1, 2003

Brahms, Barber, and Mr. B

Today was a long day. I went with Melissa and Nicky to check out some violas... but we came back empty-handed and feeling like the trip was a waste, since things with our quartet feel so up-in-the-air right now anyway. So there went my whole afternoon. I really only practiced about two hours today. I bought the music to Zigeunerweisen while we were at the instrument and music shop, though, so that should be fun. Just something to mess around with for fun. We drove past NEC today and I found myself wishing I went there. Not that I could ever get accepted there, but that's not the point. On the one hand, either way I get to study with the same teacher, sure... but on the other hand, at NEC I'd be in a somewhat more inspiring environment, I think. A lot more pressure, too, but that's not necessarily a bad thing for me. In general I'm not finding a lot of people here at Gordon who love music as I do or are really investing a lot in their study of music. I'm also meeting a lot of people who are disillusioned with Gordon in general, and that's dragging me down too - at a time when I need to be thinking positively about my coming years here.

And I need to be practicing. More than I am. Much more than I am.

I'm listening to my teacher's recording of the Barber violin concerto. The opening phrase is so beautiful. So open and spacious. There is something so soothing about it... it's a sort of enveloping openness and generosity. For me, it's like the opening of the Brahms G Major sonata for violin and piano, in the sense that there's a universality about the music that just expresses everything, all of life, all together. It's not the sort of music that's specific to one time or place or emotion... it's an expression of something universal. Listening to it is like a good cry for the heart and soul. (Why can't I play the Barber like this? Why?)

I feel ugly and fat and lazy and inept and generally unliked by all of humankind. I sort of wish I could have stayed in my room all day today and slept a lot. But of course, I couldn't, and I suppose it is a good thing that I have so many things to keep me busy. (If only I had more time for practicing, and fewer stupid busywork homework assignments taking all my time!) Now I'm putting off my music history homework for a few more minutes, just a few more... so I'm sitting at my desk, alone in my room, blogging, listening to music, in my pajamas, and drinking hot chocolate for comfort. Bah, humbug to the world. I'm almost enjoying my chocolate-and-Barber-and-Brahms induced misery, in a morbid and selfish sort of way. Bad mood. Bad day.

I miss Wheaton and for crying out loud I even still miss Biola. I try not to talk about either school too much here, but they encompass two years of my life and important parts of who I am. And when I do complain about things here (like music history, which is really terrible), even though things may objectively be less-than-optimal, it's not that I hate it here... it's partly just that I miss Biola and Wheaton.

I really am trying to work hard. Fortunately, I have so much to do that I don't have much time for self-pity each day. It's just the evenings, I guess... I waste time before starting my homework, I stare off into space wishing I had things that I don't have and probably wouldn't even want if I had them - certain friends or groups of friends, a certain guy to like me, certain things attained in my life, whatever. I think about pointless things that don't really matter and therefore don't improve my mind or soul, and I isolate myself to do more of the previous, because I'm insecure and worry that I'm not wanted in social gatherings. I need to stop this. I need to kick my moodiness out of this dorm room and out of my life.

Enough of this. Tomorrow I will blog about something meaningful and interesting, something inspiring and fascinating and wonderful. Because, whatever things may sound like from this blog entry, I am a happy person who enjoys life a great deal.

Okay, time for homework!

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