Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Goodbye, Wheaton; Hello, Gordon

I'm hooooome!! It's good to be back in California, even though I'm leaving again this Friday for school. And yes, I've decided to transfer again. I'm going to be attending a small liberal arts college near Boston and studying with the teacher I worked with at music camp. It's a great opportunity. I'm super-excited about the chance to work with him. But of course, my year at Wheaton last year was a good one...I'm a little sad to be leaving. I didn't really realize all the things that I love about it until I had to think about leaving it all. I will miss my roommate, and my friends, and I'll miss some of my professors, too. I'm sure I'll be a little lonely at first at my new school, until I make some friends. This starting-over-every-single-year thing is hard.

My first semester at Wheaton was so difficult. I missed my friends at Biola so much. Even second semester, I was still really lonely a lot. I mean, I made friends at Wheaton, but somehow it wasn’t the same. And I still miss my friends from Biola. And I miss the Torrey tutors a lot! They can be positively hilarious sometimes. Biola is such a special place. I know that God is doing great things there. It's exciting to see how they continue to expand their faculty and their departments so they can really equip students to glorify God with their minds and to have a reasoned defense of their faith.

After my sister’s Torrey graduation and subsequent wedding this past May, I went through a period of time for about a month where I didn’t want to play the violin at all, much less go back to Wheaton. I just felt like it was doing things disproportionately to put violin as more important than being a good person and having a good soul and learning to love God with all my heart, soul, and mind. Of course, Torrey isn’t the only place that I can learn and develop in those ways, but sometimes when I really miss it a lot, it feels like it is. But already I can look back and see how God taught me a LOT in my time at Wheaton. I think I grew up a lot. I think that I’m less prideful and selfish now, and less insecure too. Or at least I focus on my insecurity less. At Biola I focused on myself and on my insecurities too much, which is a prideful and selfish thing to do... in a strange sort of way. I think this past year I learned to be more independent in some ways, and less dependent on the affirmation of others.

So now I’m not going back to Biola or to Wheaton. Three schools in three years... haha! I really thought about going back to Biola. When I was talking to my parents on the phone from Boston about all these opportunities to transfer again, they asked me several times, “Are you sure you want to do this? Work this hard? Really pursue violin? Are you sure? There are other things you love so much. Are you sure?” They gave me all these opportunities to back out of it, to just decide that I didn’t want to do it. Isn’t that great of them? I mean, after they paid for me to go to music camp, and for years of lessons, and instruments, and all this stuff... they would still be fine with me changing my mind! They wouldn’t consider it a waste! And you know, right then on the phone I remember feeling that I didn’t want to do it at all... just no desire for that kind of life. And in that moment, I was really certain about it. But I said yes anyway. I don’t really know why. So I’m going to transfer. It’s going to be a lot of hard work. I hope I’m doing the right thing. I guess I just reasonably decided that I might as well do it. I mean, God has given me these opportunities, and this is not something I can put off and come back to ten years from now. But if I decide in ten years to get a Ph.D. in literature or philosophy or something, I can always do that later. So I’ll do violin for now and trust God and see where He leads me.

Leaving this Friday. I can't believe it! So much to do before then...Cheerio!

Monday, August 4, 2003

Opportunity and Change

Still at music camp. I really, really like my teacher here. And now he's asked me to transfer to a school near Boston and study with him. As if my life wasn't confusing enough already...wow. I don't know what to do. One minute I think that of course I'll go, it's my big chance, a tremendous opportunity, and the next minute I don't want to do it at all. Three schools in three years... who does that?! I miss Biola (freshman year). If I leave Wheaton (sophomore year), I'll probably miss Wheaton too. I'll miss my roommate. I'll miss orchestra. I'll miss familiarity... familiar sights and familiar smells and familiar people and familiar feelings. I don't know what to do. I'll write more later... I have to go to a masterclass now. Over and out.