Got back from choir tour Sunday evening. Tour was okay - home stays with Taryn, Krista, Lindsey, and Cara, nice host families, naps on the bus, concerts in Steve's church and Katie's church. All in all, though, I'm really not the type of person who thrives on choir tour time. I know some people love it and consider it the best part of choir, but me, I guess I'm too much of an introvert. At the end of the day, I like to be in my own room, in my own bed. Home stays for me are very awkward things. No matter how nice the family, it always has an uncomfortable edge to it - sleeping in someone's bed, using someone's shower, having "nice-to-meet-you-thanks-for-letting-me-stay-in-your-house-okay-bye-I'll-never-see-you-again" kinds of conversations. I mean really... that's weird. So, by night #2 of choir tour, I was feeling sore-throaty and icky and crying in a corner and wishing I could go home. Yeah, I'm a big baby.
But now I am back on campus for the remainder of Spring break, and I'm loving it. Spring break for me this year is Bach Boot Camp. Yeah, because I have my senior recital on April 2, and I have to learn and memorize this Bach sonata and know it like the back of my hand, and so far I'm not really as far along in the process as I'd like to be. So FavoriteBoy is helping me, and I'm going to try to practice 5 hours a day this week. Bach is cool. Bach is hard. Whoah, Bach.
Even with the practicing, this break feels very laid back to me. I'm enjoying it. Time to watch a few movies with Nathan, time to walk around hand in hand, time to read, time to organize, time to laugh a lot, time to just be.
Soon it'll be back to brick library walls, notebook paper, Cicero, rehearsals, and the kind of practicing that feels busy and stressed rather than relaxed and totally productive. Sigh.
I like school a lot, and I know I'll miss it after I graduate in May. At the same time, it would be nice if someday my life had a pace that didn't feel so stressful. I wonder if that's just idealism, or if it's possible. I like accomplishing things, but I also like having time to just think and be, and enjoy myself and others and God.
What is my life going to look like? Why am I here? What am I doing? Where will I end up?
Toward the end of choir tour, during our Saturday night concert, I suddenly got all choked up as we sang our traditional College Choir song, "Here I Am, Lord." Why? Well, it's filled with memories, for one thing. But it also struck me that there is a difference between how I felt when I sang that song during our concerts last year, and how it is for me now. Last year I still had the idealism that I wanted to do something big with my life. God was calling me to some area of the culture, He had some big message and plan for me, and I was so willing and eager to accomplish it all. This year, I feel discouraged and weary. I'm not doing anything with my life. If God's calling me to something, I haven't gotten the message yet. I'll keep teaching my violin and piano students, and hopefully get a few more. I'll keep babysitting. Maybe I'll need to get a 9-5 job for stability, or maybe I'll pull through on teaching and gigging. I'll try to stay in the area nearby. I'm not one of the success stories. I'm not going to grad school. I don't know what I'm going to be doing. That's a little scary. So I sang "Here I Am, Lord," and I felt a little bit loserly... "Here I am, Lord, sitting around like a potted plant. But boy, I sure can teach kids to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and I sure can change diapers."
On the bright side, I'm enjoying the prospect of perhaps having a slower-paced life for a while.