Sunday, November 19, 2006

Yes Dad, It's Working

I'm going to see FavoriteBoy for Thanksgiving. I feel alternately ecstatic and concerned about this: ecstatic because he is my FavoriteBoy and I miss him very much and want to hug him, and concerned because I feel guilt (false or legitimate? I'm not sure) about leaving my Dad and my brother during this difficult time. I bought a one-way ticket to Pennsylvania, and I'm planning to drive back to Massachusetts with Nathan so he'll have company on the long drive. Originally I planned to fly from Boston back here to California, but then I started thinking that perhaps I ought to stay in Massachusetts for a few weeks at least; I should resume my teaching and try not to lose my students and my jobs and my life back there. I could come back in just two or three weeks, in plenty of time for Christmas and to help Dad and Christopher again. However, I see my Mom lying in the hospital bed and I know my Dad feels set adrift without her, and I feel guilty about leaving. Of course, my other siblings returned to their lives a week ago, and perhaps I ought to do the same.

I can't really do anything to help my Mom in the hospital, but I cook and clean and do laundry as much as I can here at the house, and I drive Christopher around to his classes and activities. I visit my grandparents and make sure they are doing okay, and I stop and see Mom a few times a day. I try to make sure Christopher stays on top of his school work.

People keep telling me that Mom was so proud of all I was doing as a musician and a teacher and that I ought to go on with things. They tell me she'd want me to go ahead with the wedding, too. But really, I don't know what Mom wants, and I can't ask her yet.

FavoriteBoy and I are thinking about tying the knot right here in California -- a small ceremony in my house, or even in the hospital if Mom is still there after Christmas. Then, we could turn the planned ceremony in Nathan's church into a blessing of the marriage instead of a regular wedding, and still have the reception as a party for our friends and his family's friends. But I don't know how I'd feel about having that ceremony and reception without my parents there.

The following conversation took place earlier this evening:

I told Dad, "I feel a bit guilty about thinking about going back to Massachusetts for a few weeks. I can't figure out if it's my conscience telling me to stay and be with you and Christopher, or if it's my strange and distorted psychological self giving me a false guilt-trip."

I paused, then grinned. "Or maybe it's my strange and distorted Dad giving me a real live guilt trip!"

Dad laughed. "Ahh, so it's working!"

1 comment:

  1. Dear Sarah, I'm glad you will get to see Nathan this weekend. I'm praying for you as you face all these tough decisions, especially about the wedding. My aunt got married while my grandma was in the hospital, and I've always thought that must have been so very hard. But that's great that you and Nathan have some ideas for sharing the event with everybody, including your mom.