Calvinism

From Janna's blog a few days ago:

Calvin, our Leader and Friend

I kind of have this Calvinist war going on with this mean violinist who's doctrinist. I mean, I guess I'm doctrinist too, but I'm RIGHT. So, to fuel the flames, I've decided the following things:

-my firstborn will be named Calvin (if male) and Calvina (if female- or maybe Calvinette- or maybe Cauvina or Jeana- or Gèneve- there're a lot of options)

-I'm going to try to write an editorial for my school newspaper in which I decisively prove that Calvinism and capitalism are absolute goods and inextricably co-dependent

-I'm going to develop some sort of clever sticker or stencil with a tulip on it and subversively spray it all over campus à la Twelve Monkeys (focusing on the area around a certain dorm and the music building)

-I'm will hire my handy-dandy Bible major (code-name: JoJo) to develop some Calvinist tracts which I will cleverly distribute by stuffing them in copies of praise CDs in the bookstore, and in Veggie Tales tapes

-I'm going to start an aggressive new campus ministry which kidnaps and reprograms Arminians via cult-breaking techniques (TULIP: Totally United in Liberating Ignorant Pseudo-Christians)

-I shall coerce my small but dedicated group of music major friends (hmm: note to self- make some music major friends who are not violently opposed to Calvinism) to write new, appropriately Reformed lyrics to the idiotic praise songs sung in chapel and get my smart compsci hacker friends to insert the new lyrics on the chapel overheads

¡Viva la revolución calvinista! ¡Muerte a los oppresores del Reform!

Comrades, if you have further ideas on how to further our great cause, please allow our God to predestine your click on the comments link. Persevere, Saints, persevere!

And my comments:

I CHOSE to click the comments button.

Yes, name your first son Calvin. Everyone will think you're naming him after Calvin a la Calvin and Hobbes, and he'll probably start behaving like that Calvin, too. I, meanwhile, will have named my charming, well-behaved firstborn son Jacob.

Oh, you're just doing the tulip stickers/stencils as a cheap version of my friends who carved tulips into all their furniture. If you're not committed enough to carve tulips into all your furniture and all of school property and pay the fines later, you must not really believe this Calvinism doctrine.

I'm stealing your new TULIP idea. It's really remarkably clever. See, it'll be even funnier when non-Calvinists have a group called TULIP. It's ironic! It's clever! It's fabulous! TULIP: Totally United in Liberating Ignorant Pseudo-Christians! That is, obviously, as much as to say... Liberating Ignorant Calvinists! Or we could even call it Totally United in Liberating Ignorant Predestinationalists... that works too.


Well, I thought that was funny.

You should all go read her blog; she's always making snide remarks about me! She's ill-mannered and obnoxious, but honestly, what would you expect of someone with her theological persuasions?!